Could You Easily Break Up or Divorce Your Guy If he Cheated Once?

Now…some of you have already been there and have forgiven, congrats! If that works or have worked, but me I just don’t believe in it. You might think I’m going to give you a complex answer of the why yes you should’s or the “oh no but you can’t” Got a shocker for you, I’m not. Now we are all different kind of folks with different kind of strokes so I want try to tap into anybody else's logic or reasoning behind their answers, I’m just going give you mine and see if you agree or disagree. 

Could I easily divorce my husband or man within days of knowing he cheated or was caught cheating….hell yes! I say that because I am a secure woman. Let me explain that very briefly. There are women who need….let’s just call it STICK in their life as if they need air to breathe. No matter how tainted, how bad, how wrong the STICK is, to them it might as well have a halo above it because it can do no wrong. The stick is gold to them, to others we see just a cubic zirconia, to some it’s practically worth millions.  

Now on the other hand, some women don’t let the stick have power over them because they know the stick needs them and not the other way around. They control the stick in their life and if the stick ever gets out of line, well then the stick can be easily removed or replaced. You have to be a secure woman to know what you want and what you will and will not tolerate to know your worth, and to have respect for yourself. 

But getting back to the question, let me just say, I am a married woman of ten plus years. There is one and only one deal breaker in my marriage and that is infidelity of any kind. So if my husband were to cheat it wouldn’t be a case where I would easily allow my emotions to get the better of me, he knew our deal! Now you might say things change, or you might think or pull out the kid card out on me but let me just say this before I speak on the kid card. I’m a true believer in balance; in fact, I should be the advocate spokesperson for the word, balance. Not all things are but some things if not most things need to be balanced. It makes things normal and content at an even keel you could say. Someone slaps the crap out of you and you do nothing maybe not then and there but afterward you’re going to feel lousy unless you’re a complete wimp. But why do you feel lousy? Because someone just slapped the crap out of you and you did nothing back to him or her, there was no balance restored. Same thing is true for a relationship, only I’m not saying cheat back on your guy or girl, do take the proper steps first before you show him two can play that game. 

Like I said, I have been married for ten plus years and you can bet your bottom dollar not all ten of them years have been easy. The beginning years were the worst. After awhile in a marriage your husband change, he don’t say things he did trying to get you like he use to before. He doesn’t do those things like he use to do before. Sometimes he even takes you for granted. He might start to act a way where you question your worth as a woman because your own husband might not notice your new hair style or that you wore something a little different. But then on another day, like the last one after that, you go off in the world either to run errands or shop for groceries, whatever, and you hear it. The nice sweet pleasantries from a Fed Ex man or any other man walking by, with a nice smile on his face, in that deep almost lustful tone say, “Hi, how are you doing?” giving you a look  like you have something he didn’t know he was looking for. Or maybe when you bumped into a guy who looks at you and smiles at you in a way he made you feel special. It’s as if he saw something your husband didn’t notice as he just went on his way, even if it merely lust and that’s all. But the guy with all smiles is making you feel good, vindicated, validated! 

I get those all the time, but my MAN doesn’t know about these men. Why? Because I took my moment of feeling a little validated and went back home to endure issues in my own marriage. At the end of the day I married the fool for a reason obviously I love him and respect him and our marriage to fix problems in our marriage without betraying him trying to get a quick fix. And we did, believe it or now we’re in a better place for it. Don’t get me wrong it’s not perfect, but it wasn’t where it use to be and we work on things before they escalade. That’s marriage folks, survival through the bad or bitter end. 

So personally if my husband were to cheat on me, there is no go pass go, no collect $200, no go straight to jail (depends on the severity of things) Let him fall ONCE  to temptation, we’re done! Now, going back to the kids, well some women can love and tolerate it for the sake of the kids and I honestly wish I could to, the breakup of a family is horrible. But I know I could not deal or get over my husband cheating on me especially when I have been faithful to him, because the scales are constantly reminding me of how off balance they are. There is no way it is healthy for my children to live until their eighteen to see their mother festering on bitter issues to where I’m showing no love and pure dislike for their father and I want. I want endure faking smiles for hate when I never had to put him in that position. I know if I did cheated, he wouldn’t get over it to the tenth power, so why the hell should I! For others who have tried again and it has brought happiness and eventually peace, teach classes. 

I’m not one to stress over worrying where my guy is at, if he is cheating, who he is calling, following him to wherever he goes, etc etc, who needs that crap and don’t you think that’s what I might be prone to do after I know he has cheated! Yeah, not happening. We have trust or we don’t. But lucky for me, there are people out there who want be doctors, lawyers, bankers, etc, my husband dream is to be a family man, the white picket fence. He lives to work hard to provide for his family and loves to come home to his family and go overboard and everywhere on the holidays with our kids. You see family is my husband’s dream and he wouldn’t mess that up for the world, therefore I have come to trust and rely on that as my security to know he will never take that away from us. 

Relationships and marriage is about survival, withstanding the bad and bitter days lasting together, good, strong, or stronger. But sometimes life can throw a monkey wrench in your marriage testing it. It is on you to know what you can handle, what you can face, what you can take. Know yourself and your worth, it prevents heartache and saves time. But if you can keep him because you love him, and can forgive him, you might be better than me.

The Power of A Woman When It Comes To A Man

Speaking as a woman, the word “Power” as often times used and viewed is either to dominate or control, which is not today’s message. The word “Power” in reference to a woman’s perspective in this article means self-esteem, appreciation, and respect. And if a woman can manage, maintain, and preserve all three of these things, that is her power. But unfortunately, not many women possess this power or use it to their advantage. Think you’re a woman of power? Let’s see.

Are you a woman who needs a man in your life to feel complete? Are you a woman who literally cannot breath without a man because the idea is almost like the apocalypse? Are you a woman who contemplates baking up a voodoo cake for him in order to fully convert him over to you? (True story I swear) Do you put everything including your friends and family before him? Are you a woman who live and tolerate any and all the abuse from him because of that old nails-on-a-chalk-board phrase “I love him” Think about it. And if you are, then sweetie, your answer is no, you don’t possess your own power. 

The common denominator about every question asked above is that they all lack self-esteem, appreciation, and respect. This might stem from a woman’s own lack of emotional upbringings of greater or minor experiences as a child and therefore she knows no better. On the other hand, a woman could be compensating for drawbacks earlier in her life, or maybe it was too many Disney movies that ill-advised her judgment, who knows! With many or most cases, insecurity, however created, comes full circle playing a big part of it. That’s why we do not know how to react to the wrong guy we think is right for us. We keep acquiring foolishness while bringing our own self down at the same time because now that a man is present, we don’t want to lose him. Others weren’t lined up before him so maybe in time it’ll be okay, right? Don’t get me wrong ladies, it’s okay to want a love of great magnitude it really is, but my issue is when the want, and the fantasy start to cloud the thinking and possibly start spreading delusions throughout the mind, preferably yours. 

Women who need men in their lives to be loved or to feel loved don’t realize what a joke of thinking this is. That type of validation doesn’t work. How did it get to where women have allowed men to steal all their power? Why aren’t more women aware of their own self-worth? Why is it men can do nothing in order to get what they really want, which means a good bit more than buying the first drink? Why do we make it so easy for them? They can put in no work, no time, and no effort to getting to know us, to appreciate and prove to us they truly care, because at the threat of a man leaving or not interested it automatically has us surrendering our “power” in order to keep him. I have been there too. 

I have one philosophy when it comes to men that I live by. I encourage all women to use it. My philosophy is there are two types of men. One type is the “men who only want sex” which is self explanatory. The other type of men are the “sincere men who want sex” however, it is up to the woman to define which type of category a man fits in. A woman cannot do this until she knows who she is first. Both types share the common interest in sex but it is just a matter of classifying the no-goods from the potentials. Example, if you start to give up sex too quickly to a man this is all good for him. Not only will he accept it but also he will start to think that because you gave him sex too quickly that you must do that with every guy you meet, so now you are just an easy accessible distraction to play with for awhile. However a woman who holds out to the man type “who only wants sex” suffers no consequences of any kind. She is not even affected, because she hasn’t relinquished her most precious power, which is the last, and/or ultimate possession a man can take from her. The man suffers before she will because he gets aggravated or defeated. 

But with “men who only want sex,” they can be persuaded or you can open them to change TO A CERTAIN EXTENT MENTALLY THAT IS, believe it or not. Think about it. It’s all about seeing if we the woman can get a man to actually like us more than the physical, and a woman is just about there if a man becomes more attracted or more attentive to a woman who holds out or has a demeanor that is not easy, but classy, and respectable. Maybe a guy who is all about sex can meet a woman who is obviously not just another number and could have him change his ways for her. Yes ladies, our power is that powerful at times. But for the “sincere men who want sex” they will treat you with more respect because despite their common interest to the first type of men I told you about, the ones who only wants the sex, “sincere men who want sex”  don’t make it top priority first. They can wait awhile get to know you. They will want to see what you’re like and about first, especially if they see that you’re a very secure person about yourself rather appearing more or less desperate to get a man. They present themselves more reverent and don’t tend to have a forceful urge to get down your pants right away. Also, the representation of how confident you are opposed to how desperate you are is key and appealing to them. 

But, “sincere men who wants sex” also can be converted into “men who only want sex” if you come off easy and make it easy access for them. The man is a man at the end of the day. Remember, until the next future Miss Right comes along you could be a distraction until then. Keep in mind, men want to find a woman too they can build something with but it’s doubtful they will turn down easy goers first in the duration of looking for Miss Right. With women, it shouldn’t be about anything else except for how far he is willing to earn your “power.” Power is what they really want; it is what they are really after even in the best of intentions of first meeting. The best thing to do is to know that right away and make them work for it and not just give it to them, let them earn it. It’s easy to lay down with someone, it’s hard trying to give your heart to the right guy, so let him work. And I don’t mean not with him always paying a tab but with him actually and sincerely wanting to get to know you, genuinely taking an interest in things you like to do. If you’re looking for a real man to be with, it’s takes four things; time, smart choices, reading between the lines, and just plain common sense.  

I understand we fear being alone, and tend to settle with what we get, because it might not come along rapidly the next go-round, but as women let’s start valuing ourselves more before a man comes along and bring us down lower than we were before. If you are insecure and don’t love yourself enough, don’t expect Prince Charming to. Find out who you are first before you let any man come in and define you. Find out what you don’t want and do want in a man before one comes along and gives you whatever you want rather you like it or not. If you don’t like something a guy is offering you can easily not tolerate it and keep it moving than to just accept it. Create a sense to know that you are your own woman and you do not need to give any man satisfaction to fulfill you, or keep you happy, because you can create that all on your own. If you are a strong secure woman men will notice that and feel compelled to want to know you and be about you because you are creating an image of yourself that in turn will not make you give up yourself in return of his interest. And if you don’t have a man, live with the fact that that is perfectly okay and that it not the end of the world. They will come in time. Remember to know yourself, love yourself, and appreciate yourself first though. Your power is in you, use it well.  

Going to See Racial Movies When You’re Interracially Dating

The town I live in, the history in itself is very racial. Sure, we have come along way but the stigma of that history still lives there and is much alive in some more than others. Unlike people from New York for example, race is nothing compared to where I am from. Where I am from, it’s still a pink elephant in the room. And it was under my impression being a black woman in an interracial relationship with a white man from the same town (can you believe it) that perhaps going to see a racial movie about prejudice rather inspired or based on facts of history would be a big deal. At least that’s the kind of mindset I have, but my white boyfriend at the time, avoided taking me out to see any racial movie as if they were a plague. 

I thought possibly maybe it was a shaming thing on his part. He would quickly change the subject if I wanted to see a movie based on race that was coming out soon in theaters. He would offer to see “a way better movie” trying to get me to go see something else instead. He wasn’t stating his case about why he was refusing to go so it came off offensive to be quite honest, because it contradicts the fact that he loves the classic black movies such as Coming to America or Harlem Nights, so at least be open to seeing a racial movie. He loves the movie Friday, (who doesn’t) and he loves the show Sanford & Son, so for me it wasn’t at all difficult or a stretch to ask him to go watch a movie based on race. Maybe I didn’t think it through enough but I thought he would not be bothered to go see it with me. But I had to guess again. 

I came up with the conclusion that he might be ashamed to watch a part of history his race took part in. I tried reassuring him telling him he had nothing to worry about especially from me. He literally laughed and went on his way. And then one day he was so adamant about not going to watch the movie 42 with me. “All you know what happens, they mistreat him, and he still prevails and makes history, the end. Trust me, it probably might not even be good.” So now, I get offensive and insulted. There were action movies that came out that he wanted to go see, that might have not been good, and some he could attest were not, but I went to go see them with him because he likes action movies and fortunately for him, I do as well. I mean I could say the same thing when it comes to an action movie too. We all know what happens in them, someone or thing threatens the world, the superhero or none super hero saves the world, the end. But he didn’t hear any of that from me! (Do you feel the unfairness level?) But moving on, when 12 Years a Slave came out it looked intense enough to scare me not to go watch it. I kind of knew it might take me to a place emotionally that I didn’t even want to go so I didn’t bother asking my guy to take me to see that. But being in an interracial relationship it was starting to really bothere me as to why I had to do that. It kind of spoke of how not really far we had become in terms of moving forward especially if my white boyfriend can’t go watch theses racial driven movies with me! 

But weeks go by, and 12 Years A slave comes on TV as I am browsing channels and see it playing on one of the movie channels. I realize I missed the first thirty minutes or so but I told myself five minutes, just five minutes, and then I will turn it and watch a prerecorded show of the Golden Girls that I didn’t finish. Well five minutes lasted into the credits at the end started rolling up on the screen and it hit me. Actually it had hit me well before the credits rolled up on the screen, but I finally contemplated what it would actually be like going to the movies with my white boyfriend and watching one of these movies because while watching it, I was imaging what if he was sitting right next to me. Before it was about a statement that two couples from different races could be open enough to approach the idea of going to see a racial movie together. But while watching 12 Year a Slave I had a feeling of anger and disgust at white people. I could not lie. You go in thinking this will not mentally effect you because that was then and this is-bullshit! I didn’t mean for anger to happen but it did. White people got mad watching it so I guess I was crazy to think I the black person would not get mad too. I have white friends, have nothing against them (obviously) but watching that movie made me also realized that that’s my history and made me appreciate my history. 

The fact that if not for monumental things and causes never fought against,  that if courageous leaders didn’t fight for causes such as the Civil Right Movement, while at the same time black people enduring unimaginable torturous times, things would be just as they were before. Could I easily now date a white man then or better yet feel so easily that I can now versus then? You know what? I am lucky,and grateful, and a product of change, and sacrifice from people to make it so easy for me to know I can date a white man let alone actually date one. I can love a white guy, and he can love me because we are just two people who met and realize something was there. We are examples of achievement fought for by many and even at the cost of their lives years ago. 

And yeah, I got mad, that came easy. And as much as I tried telling my boyfriend I could never blame him or be angry at him for what others did before him, I could see us in a theater watching 12 Years A slave together. I could see me given him a glance every now and again as he squeezes my hand in the theater tighter as to remind me of what he kept on telling me. Don’t worry babe, I could never blame you or be angry with you for what others did before you and me. 

But while I am in my moment the phone rings and it’s my boyfriend checking in on me and I tell him I just saw 12 Years A slave and in seconds he gets this devastated loud disgruntle moan on the phone and then ask, “So I’m not getting any tonight when I come home, great.” I laugh on the phone because I don’t have to ask him why he would say that. It can’t be just easy for a white guy to take a black girl to a racial movie while every white person is calling black people out of their mouth nasty names, or hanging us up by a rope. But I told him I finally get it, and it’s a tough seat to bear for almost two hours if I were in his shoes. He told me it was exactly that. 

The fact that going out on a date with a black woman to watch white people abuse black people in every way imaginable and unimaginable hinders his reward by the end of the night so why would he defeat the very purpose every guy wants after taking a girl out on a date. (By the way, we’re married at this time) He concluded that even married, after a fancy meal, the movie ticket and the high dollar theater food, just to end up watching a racial movie that could have me turning away from him romantically, with no fault at him, was not worth it. 

I must remember love making is a very important objective when it comes to date night and no matter what I said, I would feel a certain way about watching a racial movie it regardless, and he was right. I never thought about that, but I should have suspected it all boiled down to me potentially taking his sex away at the end of the night. So I told him my bad, and that I should have saw it from his horny position, like I customarily do, but did not in this particular viewpoint. 

Many interracial couples go out and watch racial movies all the time I’m sure, or I think, but take note it’s not easy for some. Deep down I guess it’s not about race, at least it shouldn’t be. But gradually it got better for us. One day at home on the couch we finally saw the movie, 42. I was so proud of us and at the end. I was happy he came this far with me to watching the movie, maybe not in a theater but still with me. And be advised, if watching a racial movie with someone who is not of the same race will hinder any positive thoughts even by the time you both get in the car, stick with your own race. 

Now, we joke a lot about racial movies we see together. During the racial movie we both start to joke about how ridiculous it was in the beginning for us making it such a big deal we had to avoid, when it really wasn’t. The last racial movie we saw we held hands and cuddled together until they chopped Kunta Kinte foot in the Television remake of Roots. Let’s just say by the end of that scene, my boyfriend did a lot of squeezing of the hands during that particular part...extra squeezing!